Why is the fear of failure so paralyzing? It literally haunts me and weighs me down like I can’t move because of it. Its so many different things I want to do that I feel like I could be successful at, but, I’m so afraid of failing that I end up doing anything. Then I get mad at myself because I didn’t do anything, its a disgusting cycle. It goes on and on and I can’t find the one thing i’m comfortable enough with to break that cycle so I’m basically trapped. I’ma fish out of water basically waiting to die, because i’ve been out of water too long. I had a fish named cowbell and he jumped out of the cup he was in while I was changing his water. So I poured water on him trying to make sure he was wet, but by the time I got him back in the cup I think he was in shock, he kept floating and trying to fight it to stay alive. I was crushed. I couldn’t even keep my fish alive. He made it through the night but I went to feed him the next morning and there he was floating in his tank. Did I say I was crushed? I was extremely crushed because I felt like it could’ve been prevented.
Moral of the story is, I am cowbell. I’m in shock because I’ve been taken out of the water but life has not even attempted to pick me up back up and try to put me back in my natural environment. So I’m stuck, dying slowly, fighting the inevitable that eventually without water I will suffocate and I will die.
Eventually I will die. Depressing and paralyzing all at once because I’ve never been where I am before. I am completely cowbell and I don’t know where to turn or even what to turn to get out of this situation. People always say it could be worse, somebody has it worse than you. Right, i’m sure they do. Are they suicidal though? do they have the same outlook that I have? where are they? I want to talk to them maybe we can encourage each other and become friends. Who knows. Idk. I don’t even know anymore.
So, I recently found these two websites/apps however you want to put it. Basically its like a big online store and you sell your stuff, new or used, homemade or purchased. First of all, for someone who is in transition with their wardrobe, its AMAZING. I have sold about $200 worth of stuff on both sites in about a month. I have also purchased things, I got some amazing BCBG high waisted jeans for $13! I mean, who can BEAT IT REALLY?! Its also like etsy, which I recently got an amazing Hillman shirt from. I’m obsessed with the 90’s and I don’t even care about it. I just love them so much. So, if you have old clothes laying around you can either ship it all in one bag to thred up or post items separately on poshmark. AMAZING Times. I also completely forgot about go jane! My friend is turning 21 next month and of course we are going out, I looked high and low for a slutty but not too slutty dress? You know skin but not too much? Go jane got me a RIGHT I found a great 2 piece set thats sexy but not too sexy. The kicker..it was $18. Win.
Thank me later,
Seriously..WTF is life?! Im so stressed out I feel like at any moment I can catch a heart attack. I know you can’t catch heart attacks but thats how stressed I am nothing I say makes sense! OMG. I have a son who needs basically all of my attention between daycare and 50 million different kinds of therapy, I have a retarded guy that I really like but we may or may not be in a relationship I don’t even know whats happening with him. I’m still looking for another job but every week it seems like there is something new I need added to the list of the things I need to do and won’t be available to work during those specific hours. My life is a mess right now. I will feel so much better once I can get at least one job thats part time that puts a little bit of money in my pockets. But my lord, I had to come and vent on here because it seems like in my real life people don’t care what i’m going through they only want me to listen to them. What an L I get for being nice and a good listener I guess. I don’t even know anymore I just know i’m going to feel better once I finish this post and realize no one reads this blog so im just venting into the internet. The internet where nobody cares and nobody knows, its somewhat of a reassuring fact that I can say whatever it is that I want to say. Seriously…I honestly just need to finish these 4 classes to get my bachelors and I feel like things will look up. But im on academic probation so I need to write a letter saying “hey i messed up it won’t happen again.” Which im working on because seriously…anyway…
I read an article about 10 things every woman needs to ask and know by the time she is 30’s, something to that affect or something along those lines. It was in O magazine thats the only thing i’m sure of, at any rate one of the questions was how much money is ENOUGH money. I decided I should probably get a dollar amount in my head for what I feel is ENOUGH money and aim towards that goal instead of just aiming towards being “rich.” The older I get the more I realize that everything I had planned for my life was not the plan that god had for me AT ALL. Lol its actually hilarious when I think about it but thats okay. I enjoy trying to figure out what my gift is how to make my own path and do something that I love to do. Its a few things that I love doing I just have to figure out which one to pursue first so I can make room for everything else I want to do. I don’t yet have a dollar amount of how much money I want to earn but I know I don’t need a millionaire in the bank for me to live a comfortable life. I want to life COMFORTABLY and be able to help out someone if they need it and not have to worry about getting that money back. So thats my task for this week, whats my dollar amount and how do I plan on getting to that amount.
*BAck to writing and shopping. BTW I love http://www.romwe.com seriously..60% off your first order. Can’t beat it. And old navy is doing extra 25% off their clearance.
–Thank me later
I’ve been thinking about opening a business that allows enough time to be at home with my child but also allows me enough money to make a decent living. All those instagram boutiques, etsy shops, and big cartel shop got me thinking maybe I could open one of those. Im just not sure what I would see, my services or what. Maybe I could see my hair oil mix, or homemade phone cases…IDK, I have even see people selling patterns for sewing clothes. I’ve been thinking about what i’m good at and what I could sell, its frustrating because i’m still unemployed but I want something to do. Back to research…
So normally, I post about fashion things but since I’ve been laid off i’ve just been posting whatever. I mean, thats definitely what blogs are for. So today, I came up with a plan to be able to move to Atlanta by the late summer of 2016. In time enough for my son to be enrolled into kindergarten down there. I’ve been looking at apartments, jobs, best schools, nannies all of that, because moving from the midwest to the south has to be a well thought out executed plan and process. So I was in TJ Maxx looking for some popcorn that they usually have around this time of year and no luck. However, I did find an amazing notebook on the cover that says “Plans for World Domination.” I BOUGHT IT! are you serious? It made me feel incredible, it makes me feel good every time I open that notebook I may be weird but right now i’m trying to draw at strings to find the small things to make me happy while I turn the small changes into bigger things. So I’ve been working on my plan and writing in that notebook, and it has been seriously brightening up my days. It was $4.99, best $5 I’ve spent in a long time besides on that massive cinnabon, which was DELICIOUS. So i’m planning and starting January of 2015 I will execute this plan to perfection. My credit score is ALMOST 700 too which is a big deal because just 3 years ago it was a whopping 535. OMG it was terrible and depressing, but after paying off debts and disputing this and that and requesting things be removed i’m winning baby! Good credit to me is a necessity, it says hey I care about things and I care about myself. Lol, maybe not those words but you get my drift. My son’s daycare teacher also advised me today that he spelled his name on the board, which is a HUGE deal for a 3 year old. I’m so proud of him, when we are doing educational time sometimes I’m like he’s not even listening to what im saying but he is actually listening which gives me more incentive to keep going. Thank you busy beavers for teaching my son cool songs and me as well. Busy beavers is on youtube but they also have DVD’s. They have cool songs and they teach kids words, letters, fruit, body parts, clothing and what happens in certain parts of the house. Its great. Check out Busy Beavers on youtube good stuff.
So my product suggestions for this week:
A dry erase board $2 with marker at dollar general
A Cool notebook $3-$5 TJ Maxx or Staples
Busy Beavers DVD $25 and Up
So I’m still looking for a job. All the while i’ve been looking i’m just like I really need to finish to school. BUT i lost my financial aid because I kept missing class because my job wouldn’t work around my schedule. So, catch22. I don’t know what to do, I know I need to come up with $1500 to take a class and once I pass that I can get my financial aid back. But, when your unemployed and still waiting on unemployment you have bills rolling in and its just like stuck in between a rock and a hard place. When you try to talk to people about it they always say “well it could be a lot worse.” It could be, but that doesn’t mean whats happening is not bad, it doesn’t take away the frustration that I feel and it doesn’t make dollars magically appear in my pocket. I also have no health insurance, so I everyday I hope and pray I don’t get sick. Its just a terrible time and it’s christmas, which means my son will probably have no presents under the tree. I don’t even want to put up the tree. Its just so frustrating when you don’t know what to do. There are no jobs even around in this area where I lived, its just, some days I want to give up. A LOT of days I wake up and roll back over I don’t know what to do. One minute you have a plan and you have everything figured out the next minute your in the unemployment line with people who get jobs and get fired as a career. Life is just so terrible sometimes. I just want to walk on easy street for a year like other people around me. I want to have it easy just once in my life but I know that will probably never happen. So yeah. I don’t have any suggestions or anything to even say, I guess I just needed to vent to the thin air off into space. Its not like I have an abundance of readers on this blog or anything so really im justing venting on the information highway aka the internet. If anyone does happen to read this by chance and you have suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.
So yeah. the end.